Disgraced NFL star O.J. Simpson, who is currently serving a 33-year sentence for armed robbery and kidnapping, is in panic mode because his prison commissary account is running dry.
The account had been sufficiently stocked up until recently by several of his adoring female fans, and Simpson was using the dough to “keep other inmates happy and off his back,” an unidentified source told reporters.
“In the first few years O.J. was in prison, there was a steady stream of letters and money from women,” added the source. But it looks like those days are long gone. Perhaps his lady friends have moved on to newer and better criminals.
After his girlfriends left him dead in the water, Simpson was hoping that his kids would step up to the plate to ensure the safety of their dad’s rear end, but they aren’t very concerned with helping their sorry excuse for a father.
At this point, Simpson has turned to calling friends and begging them for money.
It’s pretty hard to sympathize with this scumbag, and given how most Americans feel about him, it’s highly unlikely that he’ll receive any support from the public.
At this point, the best advice we can offer him is this: Don’t drop the soap.
H/T: Conservative Tribune